Lễ chạm ngõ (first formal visit of the groom's family)

What is Lễ chạm ngõ (first formal visit of the groom's family), and when is it held?

Chạm ngõ, which Phan Kế Bính calls giạm, is the rite in which the groom's family brings areca and tea to the bride's family once the go-between has spoken to the girl's parents and won their consent^[1]. Bùi Xuân Mỹ (2001) notes that of the six old marriage rites, Vietnamese families usually keep three: chạm ngõ, ăn hỏi (betrothal) and the wedding; poor families sometimes skip the chạm ngõ altogether^[2].

What to prepare

• Choosing the dayThe go-between sets a day with the bride's family; it must be a good day, which the book calls a day of âm dương bất tương, so that the couple will fare well^[2].
• Who goesThe groom's parents or the person presiding over the marriage go with the young man to take the gifts to the bride's family^[2].

Offerings and trays

Before setting out, the groom's family makes an offering to its ancestors: just a bowl of water and incense for a poor family, chicken and xôi (steamed sticky rice) for a well-off one^[2]. The gift for the bride's family is a tray of betel quids folded in phoenix-wing shape with areca nuts cut in quarters; a rich family brings a whole bunch of areca nuts, ten bundles of betel, candied lotus seeds and tea in red-lacquered gilt boxes^[2].

One guide lists the chạm ngõ gifts as a tray of 12 bundles of betel, areca cut in quarters or a whole bunch, candied lotus seeds, tea, wine, cigarettes and one sheaf of votive paper^[3].

Step by step

1. The groom's family burns incense to report the young man's important step to the household deities and ancestors^[3][2].
2. The groom's parents or the person presiding over the marriage go with the young man to bring betel and areca to the bride's family and ask for the engagement^[2].
3. The girl's father places the gifts on the household and ancestral altar and reports his daughter's important step^[3].
4. From then on, according to Phan Kế Bính, the future son-in-law brings gifts on the fifth day of the fifth month, at Tết and on the bride's family death anniversaries; the betrothal follows some time later^[1].

Why it is done this way

Bùi Xuân Mỹ notes that the groom's family offering to its ancestors is to report this momentous step for the young man^[2]. Phan Kế Bính notes that before engaging a go-between, the groom's family had already sought a match of equal standing and checked that the two ages did not clash^[1].

How it differs by region

• Hà NộiBáo Pháp Luật Việt Nam notes that Hanoi families keep at least three rites, chạm ngõ, the betrothal and fetching the bride; the chạm ngõ is still seen as a needed step for the elders of the two families to talk^[4].
• HuếPeople in Huế also hold the dạm ngõ, betrothal and fetching of the bride, with no custom of demanding wedding gifts; before the betrothal and wedding they usually consult good days and hours, sometimes asking senior monks at a pagoda^[4].
• The SouthIn the South, families may skip the dạm ngõ and hold the betrothal and the fetching of the bride on the same day^[4].

Preparing the prayer text

The prayer announcing a marriage to the household deities and ancestors is shared by the days of chạm ngõ, betrothal and wedding, at both the groom's and the bride's homes^[3]. The person praying bows to Hoàng thiên Hậu thổ (Heaven and Earth), the Thành hoàng, the Thổ Địa (Earth God), Táo quân (the Kitchen Gods) and the ancestors, gives their name and address, then reports whose child their son or daughter is to marry^[3].