Lễ tơ hồng and lễ hợp cẩn (wedding rites for the matchmaker deity and the shared cup)

What is Lễ tơ hồng and lễ hợp cẩn (wedding rites for the matchmaker deity and the shared cup), and when is it held?

Tế tơ hồng is the rite in which the groom's family thanks Nguyệt lão, who by tradition decides marriages in advance; hợp cẩn is the couple sharing a betel quid and a cup of wine on the wedding night^[1]. Phan Kế Bính (1915) notes that only great families kept the hợp cẩn and few ordinary ones did^[1]; Bùi Xuân Mỹ (2001) notes that only some families still follow the tơ hồng custom^[2].

What to prepare

• Who leadsThe person presiding over the marriage bows first, then the couple^[2].
• Who spreads the matBùi Xuân Mỹ notes that the person who spreads the couple's mat should be prosperous and blessed with many children and grandchildren; if the mother-in-law is, she does it herself^[2].

Offerings and trays

The tơ hồng offering is chicken, xôi (steamed sticky rice), betel and wine, set on an incense table in the yard^[1]. The hợp cẩn uses the very betel offered at the tơ hồng rite and one cup of wine^[1].

Step by step

1. Once the bride is brought home, the groom's family sets an incense table in the yard with chicken, xôi, betel and wine^[1].
2. The person presiding over the marriage bows first, then the couple; an oration is usually read^[2].
3. The bride and groom go into their room; the elder who carried the incense at the head of the bridal procession spreads their mat, pours two cups of wine for them, then withdraws and closes the door^[2].
4. On the wedding night the husband gives his wife half of the betel offered at the tơ hồng rite and pours one cup of wine, and each drinks half^[1].
5. The wife spreads a mat and bows twice to her husband, who returns the greeting: Phan Kế Bính says with one bow^[1], Bùi Xuân Mỹ says with three^[2].

Why it is done this way

Phan Kế Bính traces the tơ hồng rite to a Chinese tale: Vi Cố, out walking by moonlight, met an old man twisting red threads who called himself Nguyệt lão, keeper of marriages; whoever he tied together by the ankles were bound to marry^[1]. Believing that marriages are settled in advance by Nguyệt lão, couples thank him once married and ask his protection to stay together for a hundred years^[1].

How it differs by region

• HuếBáo Pháp Luật Việt Nam notes that weddings in Huế include a bái tơ hồng rite held at the bride's house; the minimum gifts are a tray of betel and areca, wine and tea, tơ hồng candles and bánh phu thê (husband-and-wife cakes)^[3].
• The SouthBáo Thanh Niên describes old southern weddings setting up a tơ hồng table in the front yard, called tơ hồng at the groom's house and điện nhạn at the bride's, to thank Ông Tơ bà Nguyệt before reporting to the ancestors^[4].

What is avoided, and good to know

• Bùi Xuân Mỹ notes that the mat spread for the couple must lie flat, never askew^[2].

Preparing the prayer text

Bùi Xuân Mỹ notes that the tơ hồng oration is written differently from place to place with no fixed form; it praises Ông Tơ bà Nguyệt for tying a good match and prays that the couple stay devoted until their hair turns white^[2]. The text he records is said by the person presiding over the marriage: giving name and address, saying whose child their own child is marrying and that the marriage formalities are complete, then presenting the offering before the altar of Tơ hồng Nguyệt lão, the five household deities and the ancestors^[2].