TL;DR: When visiting a funeral, wear dark, modest clothing and avoid flashy colors and shiny jewelry. Offerings usually take the form of condolence money, incense and flowers, or wreaths, at a level that depends on how close you are to the family. Words of condolence only need to be short and sincere; do not ask about the cause of death, do not laugh or talk loudly, and do not stay too long.
What should you keep in mind when visiting a funeral about clothing, offerings, and words of condolence?
Visiting a funeral is one of the most important life-cycle rituals for Vietnamese people. The book Gia lễ giản yếu by Dương Bá Trạc, printed in 1932, includes sections on funeral rites, the đế trở ceremony, death anniversaries, Tết offerings, how to conduct rituals, funeral orations, and prayers[1]. In traditional belief, a funeral is not only a ritual to see off the deceased but also an occasion for the community to show respect for the dead and to share the loss with the bereaved family. For this reason, how one dresses, how one makes offerings, and what one says when visiting are all held in high regard.
This article draws mainly on Gia lễ giản yếu by Dương Bá Trạc[2].
How should you choose clothing for a funeral visit?
The general rule is to wear dark, modest, neat clothing that shows solemnity and respect for the deceased. Black, gray, white, or muted tones are the most suitable choices. Avoid clothes that are too colorful or revealing, shirts printed with cartoon characters, or shiny jewelry, because these feel inappropriate in the context of a funeral.
Gia lễ giản yếu by Dương Bá Trạc stresses that during a funeral the bereaved family should not hold feasts or host guests at tables, because doing so completely loses the meaning of the funeral[1]. This shows that the spirit of the traditional funeral is oriented toward mourning, not social entertaining. Clothing should follow that spirit too: simple, modest, without display.
On the colors of mourning attire, Phan Kế Bính in Việt Nam phong tục (1915) notes that during the funeral procession the children had to weep, and when guests came to offer condolences the sons and sons-in-law had to weep while returning the salute[2]. Although the book does not specify the clothing color for visiting guests, its description of the bereaved family's mourning attire shows that white and dark colors are the standard of the traditional funeral.
Do you have to wear all black?
No, you do not have to wear all black. What matters is a muted tone that does not draw attention. A white or light gray shirt is also acceptable. If you come during working hours, you can wear dark office attire. Avoid sportswear, tank tops, shorts, or flip-flops.
What about jewelry and accessories?
You should remove shiny jewelry, especially prominent gold, silver, and gemstones. Do not carry a designer bag that is too eye-catching. Phones should be set to silent or turned off during the visit.
What does a funeral offering include?
An offering is an act that expresses condolence and support for the bereaved family. Common forms of offering include condolence money, incense, flowers, wreaths, fruit, and other gifts depending on local custom.
Gia lễ giản yếu by Dương Bá Trạc mentions the custom of offering condolences at funerals while criticizing practices such as trays of cakes, trays of sticky rice, and trays of roast meat[1].
As for the form of the offering, the level differs according to how close or distant the relationship is. Close relatives usually give more, casual acquaintances give less. What matters is sincerity, not material value.
Should condolence money go in an envelope or be handed over directly?
By common practice, condolence money should be placed in an envelope, with the giver's name and relationship to the deceased written on the outside. You should not hand cash directly to the bereaved family, as this easily feels lacking in solemnity.
Where should wreaths and incense be placed?
Wreaths are usually placed on either side of the altar or on either side of the entrance to the funeral house. Incense is inserted into the incense bowl on the altar. If you do not know where to place them, ask someone on the funeral organizing committee or the person receiving guests.
How should words of condolence be said properly?
Words of condolence should be brief, sincere, and express sympathy with the bereaved family. Phrases such as "Xin chia buồn cùng gia đình" (Please accept my condolences with the family), "Thành kính phân ưu" (Respectful condolences), and "Cầu mong hương hồn người quá cố được yên nghỉ" (May the soul of the deceased rest in peace) are appropriate.
Gia lễ giản yếu by Dương Bá Trạc stresses that a funeral is an occasion to express sorrow for the deceased, not an occasion to show off or chat idly[1]. So words spoken during a visit should follow that spirit: short, sincere, focused on condolence.
Should you ask the bereaved family about everything?
You should not ask too many questions. The bereaved family is grieving and busy, and detailed questioning can add pressure. Just ask briefly and leave the family in peace.
Should you laugh or talk loudly at a funeral?
No. A funeral is a solemn place, and you should keep quiet or speak softly. Laughing loudly, joking, or discussing private matters is strictly taboo.
Bowing at a funeral: two bows or four bows?
This is a point on which old books differ and popular understanding also varies. Việt Nam phong tục by Phan Kế Bính (1915) states clearly: "Từ lúc ma còn để trong nhà thì con cháu và khách khứa phúng viếng chỉ lạy hai lạy, nghĩa là còn coi như người còn sống. Đến lúc hạ huyệt rồi thì mới lạy bốn lạy, nghĩa là đến đó mới lấy đạo thờ người chết mà thờ" (From the time the body is still kept in the house, children, grandchildren, and visiting guests bow only two bows, meaning the deceased is still regarded as living. Only after burial does one bow four bows, meaning only then does one take up the way of honoring the dead)[2].
However, Phạm Đình Hổ in Vũ trung tùy bút raises doubts about this distinction. He writes: "Nay dân gian lại cho lễ hai lạy là hung lễ, khi tang gia chưa chôn, hoặc khi tân khách đến phúng viếng thì cũng theo đúng cái lễ hai lạy ấy" (Now popular custom considers the two-bow rite an inauspicious rite; when the family has not yet buried the deceased, or when guests come to offer condolences, they also follow exactly that two-bow rite)[3], and considers such an explanation "đáng ngờ" (doubtful). He also cites the ancient rule: "Thường xét tang lễ đời cổ, từ lúc cha mẹ mới mất cho đến lúc làm lễ cất đám đi chôn, đều dùng hai lạy, không làm văn tế, nghĩa là cứ theo cái lệ thường, trong gia đình của con thờ cha mẹ, cứ lấy cái lễ thờ người sống mà thờ, chưa nỡ coi là đấng thân đã chết rồi" (Examining ancient funeral rites, from the time parents have just died until the ceremony of lifting the coffin for burial, two bows were used throughout, with no eulogy, meaning one simply followed the usual rule; within the family, children honoring parents still used the rite of honoring the living, not yet willing to regard the close one as dead)[3].
So there are at least two different understandings of the number of bows when visiting a funeral. The understanding common in popular custom today is to bow two bows when visiting someone recently deceased (not yet buried), and four bows after burial. In ancient funeral rites, from the time a parent had just died until the ceremony of lifting the coffin for burial, two bows were used, without distinguishing between before and after burial.
| Case | Bows according to Phan Kế Bính[2] | Bows according to Phạm Đình Hổ[3] |
|---|---|---|
| Before burial | 2 bows | 2 bows |
| After burial | 4 bows | 2 bows |
| Note | Distinguishes living/dead | Holds that the ancient rule did not distinguish |
Should you stay for the funeral feast?
Gia lễ giản yếu by Dương Bá Trạc advises abandoning the custom of holding feasts at funerals altogether. The author writes: "Trong khi có việc tang nhất thiết không nên đãi cỗ đãi bàn khách-khứa gì cả, vì làm như thế mất hẳn ý nghĩa về việc tang" (During a funeral, one absolutely should not hold feasts or host guests at tables, because doing so completely loses the meaning of the funeral)[1]. He also criticizes those who come to a funeral and "nỡ lòng ngồi ăn uống, say-sưa vui vẻ thì còn gì lương-tâm" (have the heart to sit eating and drinking and getting drunk happily, what conscience is left)[1].
In practice, however, many rural areas still have the custom of serving meals to visiting guests, especially at large funerals or those lasting many days. This is a point of difference between theory in books and popular practice. If invited to stay for a meal, a guest can politely decline or take only a light meal if truly necessary.
Some other notes when visiting a funeral
- Arrive on time: Come during visiting hours, and avoid arriving too early or too late.
- Do not enter private rooms on your own: Only go into permitted areas.
- Do not film or take photos: Unless permitted by the bereaved family.
- Do not bring very small children: Small children may cry and cause noise.
- Do not gossip about the deceased: Avoid saying unkind things about the dead.
- Leave at the right time: After paying respects, you should leave, not linger too long.
In some ethnic minority areas, funeral-visiting customs have their own features. Research by Hội Hứa Đức (2021) on the funeral rites of the Tày people in Tuyên Quang shows that a funeral is an occasion to express relations between the paternal and maternal lineages and the community[4]. Research on Mo Mường notes that the Mường call attending a funeral "việc làng" (village work), showing a sense of community[5].
In short, when visiting a funeral, the most important thing is to show respect for the deceased and share the loss with the bereaved family. Wear dark, modest clothing; offer according to your heart and your relationship; keep condolences short and sincere. Avoid behavior that is noisy, lacking in seriousness, or that disturbs the bereaved family.
