Traditional Vietnamese Wedding: The Sequence of 6 Basic Ceremonies

Traditional Vietnamese Weddings: The Sequence of the Six Basic Rites

What rites does a traditional Vietnamese wedding include?

In Vietnamese culture, marriage is not only an event for the couple but also a bond between two families and two lineages. For this reason, a traditional wedding is usually organised according to a strict process with many rites of sacred meaning. Although modern society has brought many changes, preserving these rites is still valued by many families as a way of showing reverence to their ancestors and respect for both sides of the family. This article sets out in detail the sequence of the six basic rites, giving readers a comprehensive view and the best preparation for a complete wedding.

What is the process of traditional Vietnamese wedding rites?

In traditional thinking, a complete Vietnamese wedding usually passes through six main rites, arranged in a logical and strict sequence. That sequence comprises: Lễ Chạm ngõ (the first meeting of the two families), Lễ Ăn hỏi (the engagement ceremony), Lễ Xin dâu (the rite of asking for the bride), Lễ Đón dâu (the bride procession), the wedding banquet, and finally Lễ Lại mặt (the return visit to the bride's family). Each rite has its own role and meaning, forming a complete whole for this momentous event.

In terms of timing, not all the rites take place on one day. Usually, Lễ Chạm ngõ and Lễ Ăn hỏi can be held early, perhaps several months or even a year before the official wedding day, so that the two families have time to prepare and get to know each other. By contrast, rites such as the bride procession and the wedding banquet should be held on the same day to ensure continuity and solemnity. Finally, Lễ Lại mặt takes place within 3 days after the wedding, usually on the first or second day.

As for origins, the six rites that Vietnamese people practise today are a simplified and localised version of the "six rites" (lục lễ) of Confucian ritual teaching. The book Việt Nam phong tục by Phan Kế Bính (1915) records that our wedding custom follows the Chinese custom, and that the Chinese have six rites: nạp thái, vấn danh, nạp cát, nạp tệ, thỉnh kỳ, thân nghênh. In the same book, Phan Kế Bính compares those six rites with the Vietnamese steps of marriage and observes that they broadly correspond to our lễ giạm, lễ hỏi, lễ sêu and lễ cưới. In other words, the framework of six rites presented in this article is the result of a long process of absorption: keeping the spirit of the six rites but shortening them, renaming them and adding or removing elements to suit the customs of each region.

What are the 6 traditional rites in a Vietnamese wedding?

1. Lễ Chạm ngõ

Lễ Chạm ngõ, also called Lễ Dạm ngõ, and in many places known colloquially as "xem mặt" (meeting the face), is regarded as the opening rite of the official relationship between the two families. This is the first meeting, when the groom's family comes to the bride's house to raise the matter of the young couple being officially allowed to court before moving towards marriage. In essence, this is an occasion for the two families to get acquainted, understand each other better and build a warm relationship before going deeper into other procedures.

The specific content of this meeting is that the two families exchange information about their family circumstances and about the character and work of the young couple, reach a preliminary agreement on letting the two children move towards marriage, and then discuss the expected dates for the engagement and the wedding. This is a stepping stone so that everything afterwards goes smoothly, avoiding unnecessary misunderstandings or abruptness.

Because its important nature lies in connection, Lễ Chạm ngõ usually does not require elaborate or fussy offerings. The groom's family need only prepare a small tray of gifts, usually betel and areca, fruit or sweet soup, and tobacco, to show politeness and sincerity. Although simple, many families today still maintain this rite. They believe that if the two families were previously unacquainted and jumped straight to Lễ Ăn hỏi or the wedding, it would feel abrupt and lacking a natural beginning. So Lễ Chạm ngõ, though not expensive, is an indispensable stepping stone, laying the foundation for a good relationship between the two sides.

2. Lễ Ăn hỏi

Lễ Ăn hỏi is one of the most important rites and the most elaborately prepared, marking the official nature of the engagement. On this day, the groom's family prepares trays of carefully chosen gifts to bring to the bride's house, formally asking permission to take the girl home as a daughter-in-law. The number of trays is usually odd (such as 5, 7, 9...) and, depending on economic conditions and the customs of each region, the gifts in the trays may differ.

The trays are the detail given the greatest attention in this rite. Usually the gift trays include betel and areca, wine, tea, cốm (green rice) cakes, xu xê cakes, fruit, and, in many regions, a tray of roast pig with gấc sticky rice is indispensable. In addition, phu thê cakes are also a familiar offering, tied to the wish for a harmonious, well-matched couple. In many places the offerings also include bride price money, a sum the groom's family brings along as a minimum token of respect for the bride's family. These trays are carried by a tray-carrying team, in some places carried on the head, in others held in the hands, depending on custom and the number of trays.

Betel and areca are always placed first on the offering tray. The reason is that betel and areca are tied to the folk tale Sự tích trầu cau, the story of the devoted bond between husband and wife and between brothers. So the phoenix-wing betel quid is not only an offering but also a message about fidelity and harmony in the new family. Each kind of offering carries its own symbolic meaning, conveying the wish for a sweet, prosperous and enduring married life. To avoid unfortunate mistakes, the two families should discuss specifically and agree on the number of trays, the composition of the offerings and the accompanying procedures before proceeding.

After the ancestor rite at the bride's house is completed, the bride's family usually "lại quả", that is, gives back part of the offerings for the groom's family to take home. The lại quả custom expresses a spirit of give and take, both sides rejoicing together, not leaving the groom's family "empty-handed" in a rite meant to build ties. The book Việt Nam phong tục by Phan Kế Bính also records this practice on the occasion of sêu: half of the sêu gifts are kept by the bride's family and half returned to the groom's family, called đồ lại mặt.

According to Bùi Xuân Mỹ (2001), writing in Tục thờ cúng của người Việt, after the engagement ceremony there is the custom of báo hỷ (announcing the happy event) and sharing betel. Each portion given out usually consists of one betel leaf, one areca nut, ten lotus-seed candies and a little sweet soup; these are wrapped in pink paper, folded into square boxes about 5 to 6 cm on each side, with a double-happiness character cut from metallic paper pasted on top. Also according to this author, in the countryside the engagement ceremony sometimes needs only one or two bottles of wine and enough betel and areca to offer around, showing that the scale of the offerings varies greatly with circumstances.

3. Lễ Xin dâu

Lễ Xin dâu is a small rite but one of immense importance, performed just before the official hour of the bride procession. Traditionally, a woman close to the groom's family (usually an aunt or an elder sister-in-law) is sent ahead to the bride's house, carrying a betel box to perform the rite of asking for the bride. The bride's mother is the one who directly receives this tray of betel and areca.

After receiving the offerings, the bride's mother takes the betel and areca to offer incense on the ancestor altar of the bride's family. This act carries deep spiritual meaning, as an announcement and a request to the bride's ancestors for permission for the bride to go to her husband's home. It is regarded as the final official acceptance by the bride's family, confirming that they are ready for the groom's family to come and escort the bride. Lễ Xin dâu is therefore seen as an important bridge between the engagement rite and the bride procession, helping everything to proceed smoothly and in keeping with custom.

4. Lễ Đón dâu (Bride Procession)

After completing Lễ Xin dâu and receiving the bride's family's consent, the groom's family formally sends a delegation to fetch the bride. The groom leads the delegation, carrying the wedding flowers and the necessary offerings (if the bride's family has requested them) to bring the bride back to his home. This is the most sacred and moving moment of the wedding day, when the bride officially leaves her parents' home to begin a new life.

The date and hour of the procession are usually carefully chosen by the two families according to the ages of the bride and groom, with the wish that everything goes smoothly and favourably. If you want to check in advance, you can use Nhật Nguyệt's wedding date tool to compare before finalising with both families.

On the day of the procession, the two families perform meaningful rites of giving. The groom's family and the bride's family present wedding gifts, gold and silver, and dowry to the bride and groom. These gifts are not only material support for the young couple's new life but, above all, sincere blessings from both sets of parents, wishing the newlyweds prosperity, sufficiency and happiness.

As for the ancestor rite, this is performed twice on the day of the procession. Before setting off for the groom's home, the young couple perform the ancestor rite at the bride's house to give thanks to the ancestors and to the bride's parents for giving her life and raising her. After the procession arrives at the groom's house, the bride performs the ancestor rite a second time at the groom's house to be presented to the groom's ancestors and to become officially a member of the new family. The book Việt Nam phong tục by Phan Kế Bính also records a similar sequence: when the bride is brought to the groom's house, she is led in to bow before the ancestors, then taken to pay respects at the family shrine on the groom's parents' side, and only then returns to bow to the groom's parents and grandparents.

5. The wedding banquet

After completing the traditional rites at home, the couple and both families hold the wedding banquet. This is the occasion to announce the marriage officially to friends, relatives and family, and also to give sincere thanks to everyone who came to share the joy and bless the young couple. The banquet is usually held at a restaurant, a hotel or at home, depending on circumstances and preference.

Today, many families choose to hold a single joint banquet for both the groom's and the bride's sides after the bride procession rite ends, to save cost and time. However, if held separately, the bride's family usually hosts first to entertain their guests, and only then does the groom's delegation come to fetch the bride. Conversely, the groom's family hosts after the bride has arrived home and been presented to the husband's relatives. Whichever form is chosen, the wedding banquet is always the liveliest and most memorable part, marking the official start of married life.

6. Lễ Lại mặt

Lễ Lại mặt, also known as Lễ Nhị hỷ, is the final rite in the traditional wedding process. A few days after the bride has come to the groom's house, the mother-in-law prepares a small tray of offerings for the bride and groom to take back to the bride's family. The purpose of this rite is for the newly married couple to visit and greet the bride's parents and relatives, and to express gratitude for the bride's parents' care in giving her life and raising her.

Lễ Lại mặt usually takes place within 1 to 3 days after the marriage, depending on the distance between the two homes and the young couple's work circumstances. By custom, this rite is usually carried out in the morning and rarely left until late afternoon. Lễ Lại mặt is not only an occasion for the children to show filial piety but also a chance for the two families to become closer, to dissolve any distance and to begin a warm, lasting relationship between the two sides.

Must a Vietnamese wedding perform all six rites?

No. The six rites are the old framework, while in practice Vietnamese people usually perform only three main rites: chạm ngõ, ăn hỏi and cưới (thân nghênh). Bùi Xuân Mỹ (2001) in Tục thờ cúng của người Việt states this clearly, and adds that poor families sometimes skip even the chạm ngõ rite. So the shortening is not a modern variation but has long existed in customary practice.

It should also be noted that books such as Tục thờ cúng của người Việt by Bùi Xuân Mỹ (2001) mainly describe the customs of the Kinh people, mostly in the North. One should not infer that every region or every ethnic group has the same number and sequence of rites.

Is there a custom of "cưới chạy tang" (marrying to outrun a funeral)?

Yes, this is a custom recorded in books on manners and customs, but it applies only in unavoidable circumstances. According to the record of Bùi Xuân Mỹ (2001), if one side is close to a death and the deceased has not yet been formally mourned and has not yet been encoffined, the groom's family brings offerings to the bride's house to propose marriage; the wedding must then be held urgently within one or two days, the auspicious date may be skipped but the auspicious hour must still be chosen. Only a few hours after arriving at the groom's house, the funeral has already been started by the family, and the bride also takes part in sharing the mourning.

The book Việt Nam phong tục by Phan Kế Bính (1915) records it from the angle of ritual teaching: before a wedding, both the groom's and the bride's families must be "quang quẻ", meaning the person presiding over the wedding must have no mourning in the family before the wedding can take place. This way of recording shows that the ban on marrying during mourning is the general norm, while cưới chạy tang is an exception devised to resolve an awkward situation. These are descriptions of old customs, not advice to be applied today.

How many trays does the engagement ceremony need?

Usually an odd number, commonly 5, 7, 9 or 11 trays, depending on the customs of each region and each family's circumstances. There is no fixed rule obliging every wedding to use exactly one number, so the two families should discuss and agree in advance to avoid misunderstanding.

The choice of an odd number comes from the folk belief that odd numbers symbolise growth and flourishing, while even numbers easily suggest something already complete and closed. Besides the number, the composition of the offerings in each tray can also vary by region: some places emphasise the tray of roast pig and gấc sticky rice, others stress cốm cakes, phu thê cakes, betel and areca, wine and tea. What matters is that the offerings are prepared neatly, in keeping with local custom and suited to the groom's family's means.

Conclusion

The six rites above are the necessary and important elements that make up a complete traditional Vietnamese wedding. However, depending on the family's economic circumstances, the customs of each region and the agreement between the two sides, these rites can perfectly well be adjusted, merged or reduced if they are judged unnecessary. What matters most is not elaboration or formality but solemnity, sincerity and convenience and comfort for both families. It is precisely this flexibility and humanity that has helped the traditional cultural values of our people's marriage customs to be preserved and carried forward sustainably in modern life.

Overview article on the topic: What rites make up the life-cycle ceremonies of the Vietnamese?

The sequence and features of the 6 traditional Vietnamese wedding rites according to the article.