Traditional Wedding Taboos in Vietnam

What are the things to avoid at a traditional wedding?

For a long time, the Vietnamese have regarded a wedding as the most important event in a person's life, not merely the private matter of the bride and groom but a concern shared by both families and both clans. Because of that importance, people are usually careful to observe many taboos in the hope that married life afterward will be smooth and warm. Depending on each region and each family, the taboos may differ, but in general they all revolve around the main rituals.

What are the taboos when reading ages and choosing a wedding date?

Reading whether the ages are compatible: This is usually the first "gate" that couples must pass. No family fails to take an interest in what zodiac sign and what destiny the future spouse of their child carries, so as to have a master examine it. If it is judged to be clashing and incompatible, the couple's love may be at risk of falling apart because of the family's opposition. Even when they resolve to go ahead with the marriage, the impression of an incompatible age reading can still leave a hard-to-fade obsession in the minds of both sides.

Choosing an auspicious day and month: After deciding to hold the wedding, the two families will discuss and choose a good day for the betrothal ceremony and the bride-taking ceremony. Folk belief holds that marrying on a good day means life afterward will be peaceful and smooth. Conversely, marrying on a bad day may bring misfortune. The reading of days is usually based on the ages of the bride and groom in order to avoid falling foul of days such as Nguyệt Kỵ, Tam Nương, or days that clash with the ages of the two sides.

What are the taboos at the betrothal ceremony?

The bride must not appear early: At the betrothal ceremony, when the groom's family arrives, the girl must sit in her room and wait, and must not show her face outside. Only after the two families have finished their discussions may the groom come in to escort the bride out to offer water to the relatives. A bride who appears early is considered tactless and lacking in courtesy, showing impatience and failing to meet the standard of a discreet, dignified young woman.

Do not use a knife to split the areca: At betrothal ceremonies in the North, the bride's family must perform the rite of splitting areca by hand to offer to the ancestors, and absolutely must not use a knife to cut it. The belief is that cutting areca with a knife will cause the couple's future affection to be "cut apart". In the South, meanwhile, the groom is the one who splits the areca while the bride arranges the betel to burn incense. The one who finishes faster is believed to "hold the power" in the family afterward, creating a quiet but thoroughly entertaining contest between the couple.

What are the taboos at the bride-taking ceremony?

The bride must not turn her head to look back: When leaving her home for her husband's house, the bride must walk straight ahead and must not turn back to look or show attachment to her own family. People of old believed that if the bride turned her head to look back, she would be hard to instruct, would not care properly for her husband's family, and might even soon "run back to her mother's house".

The bride's mother does not join the escort, the groom's mother does not stand waiting: The bride's mother may not follow the procession escorting her daughter to the groom's house, and the groom's mother may not stand at the door to welcome the bride. This taboo is explained as avoiding the bride demanding to go back with her birth mother, and also so that the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law will not clash later.

A different road going than coming back: Many families hold that the bride-taking procession must take one road when going to the bride's house, and must take another road when bringing the bride back. The purpose is to avoid misfortune that might "follow in the footsteps" back to the groom's house.

A pregnant bride goes through the back door: If the bride is pregnant, when she comes to her husband's house she may not enter through the main door but must go around to the back door. Our elders believed that a pregnant bride entering by the front door would cause the groom's family to fail to prosper afterward, with their fortunes declining.

What are the taboos at the wedding ceremony?

Wedding rings: Many beliefs hold that wedding rings must be plain bands, without gemstones or elaborate engravings. The two also may not wear the rings before the wedding ceremony officially takes place, to avoid "wearing them early" being considered impatient and disrespectful of the ritual.

Wedding guests: People who are pregnant or in mourning are not encouraged to attend a wedding, because they may bring misfortune and bad luck to the bride and groom. This belief stems from avoiding the "clash" between two opposing fields of energy, namely a happy event and a funeral or childbirth.

An objective, modern perspective

The taboos at a traditional wedding are very diverse and rich, and differ between each region and each family. With beliefs deeply marked by traditional culture, such as choosing an auspicious day and month so that everything goes smoothly, many families still keep them as a way of respecting custom. However, with beliefs that have no scientific basis, people should not believe too strongly and let them affect wedding preparations and create unnecessary pressure.

Psychologists have pointed out that lifelong happiness and a peaceful family depend mainly on the character, empathy and sharing of the couple in daily life. Even if many things are avoided when holding the wedding, if they live together without understanding and tolerance, the family will still find it hard to be at peace. Therefore, modern couples often choose a harmonious way: preserving the beautiful traditional features that have positive meaning, while flexibly adjusting to suit real circumstances, and placing the foundation of lasting happiness in the love and responsibility of both.

A summary table of the taboos at a traditional wedding by each ritual.