TL;DR: There is no single standard for offerings when attending a giỗ (death anniversary) meal across the country. Depending on region and relationship, guests may bring incense and votive paper, flowers and fruit, cakes, a bottle of beer, or a money envelope, and in many places in the Mekong Delta guests are even given a portion to take home by the host. The core point emphasized by gia lễ (family ritual) books is sincerity toward the deceased, not the size of the offering tray.
Why Do the Customs of Attending a Giỗ and Gửi Giỗ Exist?
A giỗ, in Sino-Vietnamese kỵ nhật, is a day of remembrance for a deceased family member. Phan Kế Bính, in Việt Nam phong tục (published as a book in 1915), records that the afternoon of the day before is the tiên thường offering, and the following day is the main kỵ day; for distant giỗ such as those for great-grandparents and grandparents, one prepares a chicken, a tray of sticky rice, or a few trays of food, first offering to the ancestors, then the descendants gather to eat together[1].
The practice of cúng giỗ centers at the home of the eldest son, or if the eldest son has died, at the home of the eldest grandson in the direct line. Younger sons, younger grandsons, and grandsons through daughters must still bring offerings to the ceremony, and bringing offerings to the eldest branch's home in this way is called gửi giỗ[2].
Put briefly: gửi giỗ is a mechanism for dividing responsibility within a lineage. The eldest branch is responsible for conducting the ceremony, while those in other branches are responsible for their own offerings. This way, the burden of the giỗ day is not placed on one household, and no one is allowed to forget.
What Should You Bring to a Giỗ?
The direct answer: anything is fine, as long as you bring an offering and sincerity. The book Nếp cũ by Toan Ánh notes that a gửi giỗ offering, whether grand or modest, depends on the financial capacity of the living and the relationship between the living and the deceased. A great-great-grandson or great-grandson may send only a bundle of incense and votive paper; a nephew sending offerings to an uncle may send a few kilos of fruit or a bouquet of flowers with incense and candles; children and grandchildren usually send a grander gửi giỗ, sometimes money along with valuable offerings, sometimes a whole pig, a pair of chickens, or a basket of glutinous rice[2].
According to a woman from Nghệ An who married into a family in Đồng Tháp, where she lives guests at a giỗ usually bring drinks such as beer or soft drinks, condiments such as fish sauce, salt, or sugar, or fruit, rather than a cash envelope as in some other localities; she herself adds that this may be found only in some parts of the Mekong Delta[3].
The table below summarizes the common groups of offerings and their meanings:
| Group of offerings | Examples | Meaning / notes |
|---|---|---|
| Incense and lamps | Incense, candles, bundles of incense | Minimum, anyone can bring, even distant descendants |
| Flowers and fruit | Bouquet, fruit tray | Light, suitable for guests from afar or distant relations |
| Cakes and sweets | Cakes, sticky rice, oản | Easy to share, easy to use in the feast |
| Fresh food | Chicken, basket of glutinous rice, pig | Usually from close children and grandchildren, contributed directly to the feast |
| Drinks and condiments | Beer, soft drinks, fish sauce, salt, sugar | Recorded in parts of the Mekong Delta[3] |
| Cash envelope | Cash along with offerings | Common in some regions, considered a contribution to the cost of the giỗ |
One notable detail: some people, when sending gửi giỗ, buy something the deceased enjoyed during their lifetime. For example, if the deceased was fond of Bắc Hải squid when alive, on the giỗ day the descendants also pick Bắc Hải squid to bring to the eldest branch's home as an offering[2]. This detail shows that offerings are not only a duty, but also a way to remember a specific person.
How Should You Invite Guests to a Giỗ Properly?
On the host's side, Gia lễ giản yếu (1932) by Dương Bá Trạc says nothing about inviting guests. It records that the ceremony essentially lies in sincerity, requiring only incense, flowers, oil, and water, then gathering everyone in the house around the altar; before the ceremony, the family head recounts the life story of the person being commemorated that day, reminding the household to remember that person's virtues, after which everyone adjusts their attire and bows, and when the ceremony ends they sit quietly in remembrance for a few dozen minutes[4].
Thus, the core of the giỗ day according to this book is the recounting of the deceased and the moments of silent remembrance, not the feast.
But reality is different. From the early 20th century, Phan Kế Bính already complained that many households invited relatives and guests, that the home of a village notable might have the whole village come to eat the giỗ, that the home of a teacher with many students would have all the students come to eat the giỗ, and that eating and drinking was very troublesome and wasteful[1]. More than a century earlier, Phạm Đình Hổ in Vũ trung tùy bút had already criticized our country's custom that on the giỗ day people go to great lengths to plan, even borrowing money to make a feast to entertain guests, to the point of losing all remembrance[5].
This is where the sources disagree, and it should be stated clearly: family ritual books uphold simplicity and sincerity, while actual folk practice in many places turns the giỗ day into an occasion for hosting guests. This article does not choose a side, only records both.
In the Mekong Delta, Guests at a Giỗ Are Also Given a Portion to Take Home, Why?
In the Mekong Delta, after the meal, guests leaving sometimes receive cakes, sticky rice, fruit, or a portion of food to take home[6]. The take-home portion is not fixed; sometimes it is a few rolls of cake, a box of sticky rice, some fruit, or a bit of food from the feast[6].
Ms. Minh Ngọc in Cần Thơ shared with Znews that when her family has an occasion, they host guests properly, guests eat at the house, and when they leave they also pack some food for them; sometimes people do not take it but the family still offers it, because it is the family's heartfelt gesture[6]. Those living nearby take it home for their children, and those with elderly parents or relatives who could not attend may also ask for an extra portion[6].
Note that this is a custom recorded in the Mekong Delta, not a general custom of the whole country. A daughter-in-law from Nghệ An who married into Đồng Tháp recounted that at her husband's house, the giỗ is cooked at home and there is no specific mealtime; if in the North and Central regions the feast is usually set for six people, with guests arriving at the same time so the host can serve one round, then in the Mekong Delta each tray usually has ten people, guests can arrive at any time during the event, and as soon as there are enough people a table is set and the meal begins[3]. The Mekong Delta feast according to this account is quite lavish, with about twelve to thirteen dishes from appetizers to main courses to dessert[3].
The way of receiving guests in the Mekong Delta is therefore different: guests do not need to arrive at a fixed time, and packing a take-home portion is a natural matter, depending on the circumstances and conditions of each family[6].
Things to Avoid When Attending a Giỗ and When Inviting Guests
On the guest's side, the simplest principle is not to come empty-handed if you can still bring something. The book Nếp cũ shows that even those far away who cannot return, on the giỗ day still try to buy offerings and send them to the eldest branch, and in addition to gửi giỗ they also perform a vọng ceremony on the giỗ day[2]. Thus, distance is not a reason to have no offering.
On the host's side, the lesson from Phạm Đình Hổ remains valuable: do not let the feast make you forget the meaning of the giỗ day. According to him, giỗ is an occasion for truy viễn cảm thời, one must devote all one's heart to remembrance, and absolutely must not turn it into a lavish feast; the Book of Rites teaches that a noble person does not grieve for only one morning, but carries mourning for a lifetime, which is what is meant by the giỗ day[5].
Another direction being chosen by many families is to organize the giỗ in a light, simple, and pure manner while still keeping full sincerity and solemnity; serving vegetarian food also helps reduce feasting and drinking, limiting stressful revelry[7].
This is a suggestion by author Trần Xuân Tiến in Tuổi Trẻ newspaper, not a mandatory rule, and each family chooses a suitable approach depending on their conditions.
In Short, Where Does Proper Conduct Lie?
It lies in the living remembering the deceased correctly. The book Gia lễ giản yếu emphasizes the family head recounting the life story of the person being commemorated and instructing the descendants to remember their virtues[4]. The book Việt Nam phong tục reminds us that when our ancestors established the giỗ ceremony, it was only to express heartfelt remembrance of those who gave us life and built our livelihood, summed up in the idea of bất vong bản, not forgetting one's roots[1].
What should you bring to a giỗ? Bring what you can bring, according to your actual relationship with the deceased. How should you invite guests? Invite with sincerity, and let guests come in the way most convenient for both sides. The rest is a matter for each region and each family.
